ErinMP

My name is Erin and I am in a difficult place right now.  I was diagnosed with Schizophrenia five years ago, and I slowly let my life be destroyed by it. I was twenty five when the struggle in my head finally became too much to bear.  I was suicidal and scared, so I did what I thought best and checked myself into Riverside ETS (a mental hospital). 

A coworker I thought I could trust knew of my struggle and visited me in the hospital (I was there three days).  All three days I called in sick to work, for fear of losing my job (I was an outside sales rep).  The day I returned to work, my boss pulled me aside and fired me for supposedly not returning a clients page (I had received a raise not a month prior, as part of my annual review).  I was so ashamed and humiliated because we both knew I was being fired because of my new "illness". 

With no health insurance I had to rely on the county for mental health care.  I can't tell you the indignities and humiliations I experienced (I was released from the hospital with a prescription, only to be denied the medication from another county doctor who didn't "believe" in that particular medication; a nurse in ETS sent me to the violent ward because she feared that the woman in my room was a sexual threat to me!!??). 

My parents were appalled at the care at the county so they were kind enough to pay for a private psychiatrist. (The county was requiring me to attend therapy every friday from 8-11am and only then could I receive my medication for the week; a five hour process.  I had a job, or at least was trying to keep my new job, and couldn't really explain away the five hours every week!)  I found a doctor in the yellow pages, and he ended up prescribing me 1200mg of Seroquel (an antipsychotic).  The doctor was sympathetic to the fact that I was low on money, so he gave me sample packs. 

That evening I took the dose at about 6pm, and the next thing I knew it was morning and I was late for work.  I jumped in the shower, and dressed quickly.  I felt very strange, but I didn't realize how much trouble I was already in.  I got in my truck and didn't make it a mile from my house before rear ending a car at a stop light.  I had noticed that it was still dark outside, but somehow I explained that away to myself.  I was arrested for a DUI at 8pm. 

I lost my new job (although my boss did represent me in court), and was sentenced to 15 days in jail.  No one was hurt, and for that I am grateful.  I later found out that I had been ODing on Seroquel (the max dose is 800mg, and that is for people with a tolerance to it, or obesity).  My lawyer wanted to sue the doctor, but I was so overwhelmed with everything happening that I didn't want to pursue that particular avenue. 

That pretty much was the grease that allowed the wheels of insanity to start spinning in my life.  I would like to tell you that things have changed for the better, however my illness has progressed to the point that I can no longer leave my home.  I am now on disability which both upsets and shames me.  I just recently had the courage to initiate getting my drivers license back.  I also know that I am now at a point to get a job again.  I have been slowly making myself reenter society.  Scary, but fun.  I want to live again, and be as close to normal as I was before!  The reason I am writing this page is not so that I can hear a small violin play in my ear, but because I want to rebuild my life.  I have never been good at asking for help, but if there's one thing I want to do it is to become a nurse.  I want to finish school and work at the Riverside ETS, because people with mental illnesses deserve respect too.  I am smart, I am dedicated, and I will do it.  If you have faith in me, that is all I need!