My name is Erin and I am in a difficult place right now. I was diagnosed with Schizophrenia five years ago, and I slowly let my life be destroyed by it. I was twenty five when the struggle in my head finally became too much to bear. I was suicidal and scared, so I did what I thought best and checked myself into Riverside ETS (a mental hospital).
A coworker I thought I could trust knew of my struggle and visited me in the hospital (I was there three days). All three days I called in sick to work, for fear of losing my job (I was an outside sales rep). The day I returned to work, my boss pulled me aside and fired me for supposedly not returning a clients page (I had received a raise not a month prior, as part of my annual review). I was so ashamed and humiliated because we both knew I was being fired because of my new "illness".
With no health insurance I had to rely on the county for mental health care. I can't tell you the indignities and humiliations I experienced (I was released from the hospital with a prescription, only to be denied the medication from another county doctor who didn't "believe" in that particular medication; a nurse in ETS sent me to the violent ward because she feared that the woman in my room was a sexual threat to me!!??).
My parents were appalled at the care at the county so they were kind enough to pay for a private psychiatrist. (The county was requiring me to attend therapy every friday from 8-11am and only then could I receive my medication for the week; a five hour process. I had a job, or at least was trying to keep my new job, and couldn't really explain away the five hours every week!) I found a doctor in the yellow pages, and he ended up prescribing me 1200mg of Seroquel (an antipsychotic). The doctor was sympathetic to the fact that I was low on money, so he gave me sample packs.
That evening I took the dose at about 6pm, and the next thing I knew it was morning and I was late for work. I jumped in the shower, and dressed quickly. I felt very strange, but I didn't realize how much trouble I was already in. I got in my truck and didn't make it a mile from my house before rear ending a car at a stop light. I had noticed that it was still dark outside, but somehow I explained that away to myself. I was arrested for a DUI at 8pm.
I lost my new job (although my boss did represent me in court), and was sentenced to 15 days in jail. No one was hurt, and for that I am grateful. I later found out that I had been ODing on Seroquel (the max dose is 800mg, and that is for people with a tolerance to it, or obesity). My lawyer wanted to sue the doctor, but I was so overwhelmed with everything happening that I didn't want to pursue that particular avenue.
That pretty much was the grease that allowed the wheels of insanity to start spinning in my life. I would like to tell you that things have changed for the better, however my illness has progressed to the point that I can no longer leave my home. I am now on disability which both upsets and shames me. I just recently had the courage to initiate getting my drivers license back. I also know that I am now at a point to get a job again. I have been slowly making myself reenter society. Scary, but fun. I want to live again, and be as close to normal as I was before! The reason I am writing this page is not so that I can hear a small violin play in my ear, but because I want to rebuild my life. I have never been good at asking for help, but if there's one thing I want to do it is to become a nurse. I want to finish school and work at the Riverside ETS, because people with mental illnesses deserve respect too. I am smart, I am dedicated, and I will do it. If you have faith in me, that is all I need!
